halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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