well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
