Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
