Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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