Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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