Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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