watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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