so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
