Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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