that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
