Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
