She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
