I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I believe in your delicious
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
