Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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