Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
