By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
