WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
