rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
