Apparently you make a good broom.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
