That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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