Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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