and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
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I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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