But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
