I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
