Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
