I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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