So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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