So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize