It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
