Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
