i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
