before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
