i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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