I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
