I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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