it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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