Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
