I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my liver is dry heaving
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
