I think I won the penis lottery.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.