I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again