its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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