Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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