i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
