there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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