i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
