So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
