his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
