Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bang-toberfest begins!!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
