she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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