Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
where am i from again
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
