I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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