I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
