I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
