Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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