I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
