I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
