I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
