She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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