I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
